Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
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Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄