Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope