Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

doing your own taxes

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

Yup!

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.