[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
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“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window