Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
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My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.