My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
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“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
nice challenge
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.