proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
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My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.