me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
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My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed