5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
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Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.