captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
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This will teach them to underestimate me
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Phones down.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.