I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
You Might Also Like
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers