Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics