Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
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Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
there’s probably a fee though
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”