*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
guys I’m going home
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
The days of good grammer has went
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>