My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
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I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
how to market bottled water to dads
I told my vodka about you.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid