Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
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I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Oh boy, $150,000!
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idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.