Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
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“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.