“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
You Might Also Like
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Wait a minute…
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …