If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Tell the colonel to bring it
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.