[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
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[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live