What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
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I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.