[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
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It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.