#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
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Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Wait a second…
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy