#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
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Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Pat is about to own someone
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.