Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
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Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Ah..makes sense now
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.