Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
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Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
When you’re here for the treats.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you