Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
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the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Monday?
No. Next question.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
men are simple creatures
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down