Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
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Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
NASA has no chill
Good news
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Social Media and Real life
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I bet
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.