I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
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Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
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This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much