While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
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People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.