Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
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What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!