I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
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no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.