I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
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You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?