*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
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My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort