My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
You Might Also Like
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”