My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
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A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
rapatouille
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]