i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
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Merry Christmas
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
me after drinking all the wine:
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.