Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
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[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father