Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
You Might Also Like
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Where is your GOD now????
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
three things we don’t talk about
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive