Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
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I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.