Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
You Might Also Like
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.