[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
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ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
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It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”