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Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
The French cow says MEUX…
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”