“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I think about this a lot
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous