Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
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If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
My life coach traded me.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
wishing you and yours all the best
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse