Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
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My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me