ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
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I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)