“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
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Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!