Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
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Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June
Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious