Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

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i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it


If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.


“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”


cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”


Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death


“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”


Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*


Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.


where it all went wrong:

“of course i know where we’re going”