Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
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me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
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[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
who will stop them
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I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.