Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

there’s probably a fee though

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”