Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

iPhone X

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious