Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
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my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.