one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
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Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
How dramatic are you?
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking