88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
You Might Also Like
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
pep talk
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich