At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
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As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right