I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
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“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.